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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651136">hey,, :delete:</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarseclipse/pseuds/Lunarseclipse'>Lunarseclipse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>0 happiness, Hurt No Comfort, Lowercase, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, i am so sorry this is depressing, i don’t want to add character tags bc idk if this’ll get a fucked response</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:29:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>839</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651136</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunarseclipse/pseuds/Lunarseclipse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>no fucking wonder tubbo hated him, he was a complete and utter dickhead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Toby Smith | Tubbo &amp; TommyInnit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>hey,, :delete:</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW: suicidal thoughts, talks of self harm<br/>hi please do not read this if you struggle with any of the following id feel rly fucking bad</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>sometimes he can’t breathe. sometimes the pain in his chest gets so bad he feels like he’s suffocating, in those moments he doesn’t know what to do, those are the moments where he acts most stupidly, most impulsively.</p><p>the burn marks on his arm are enough proof of that.</p><p>it’s funny really, because the reason for all of these feelings couldn’t care less, maybe if they did then it’d be less hard, less painful.</p><p>tommy had spoken to people online for ages now, maybe a couple years, he wasn’t stupid, he knew that he didn’t really know these people, even though it felt like it did sometimes.</p><p>sometimes was mostly tubbo.</p><p>tubbo was always so lovely, so kind, so it was obvious he must be the problem, something about him just made him hard to be friends with.</p><p>tommy scrolls through the messages sometimes, the “i dont think we should be friends anymore” staring back at him so fucking violently it burned.</p><p>because what the fuck?</p><p>he still remembers reading it, the fresh tears filling up in his eyes, the suffocating feeling coming up full force.</p><p>how was it so easy for them to say?</p><p>tommy knows it’s affected him, knows despite all the shit he says about not caring, that he was better off without someone who didn’t want to talk to him. knows because of the way he’s clung onto other people, knows by the way he’ll try so hard to make conversations last longer, knows every time he goes to tubbos icon to send him some random video he’s found, knows by the way when he realises his mistake he’ll just cry without any noise.</p><p>attention seeker, he’d thought he was the opposite for so long, he couldn’t stand being in the light and tended to dislike anyone who did.</p><p>that was before he was debating starving himself so someone would notice. so someone would actually care</p><p>that was before he turned the shower up so high, trying to burn himself to make the red marks he’d seen before appear.</p><p>that was before for once in his fucking life, when someone had asked if he was okay, he’d told them he was borderline suicidal.</p><p>not a lie when he thinks about it, just cruel to put on someone, younger than him no less.</p><p>no fucking wonder tubbo didn’t want to talk to him, he was a complete and utter dickhead.</p><p>was it a lie? he knew he wouldn’t go through with it, he’s too scared of pain and everything he’s googled ends with it, even fucking sleeping pills, who’d have thought.</p><p>the “seek help” screen when he googles something particularly worrying has become a normal sight, he’d even laughed once about it, because really, did they actually think that would help a single person?</p><p>he’s been speaking to his real life friends -friend- more, which is probably a good thing. it probably wasn’t healthy having an entire life online.</p><p>she’s easier to talk to, he knows she won’t leave, if for no other reason than the fact they don’t really speak to anyone else. tommy doesn’t tell her much, but her presence is a calming one.</p><p>he remembers the utter horror on her face when he mentioned someone he spoke to online living in the same town as them. yeah, probably not the best person to talk about online friends to, no matter how much he loved her she didn’t really understand, hell, she wasn’t even allowed instagram until she was 15.</p><p>he still spoke to a couple people online, he’d been speaking to techno less, after telling him what was going on (in quite a hateful way, trying to make it seem like he was unbothered, make a joke of it) a couple screenshots had been sent to other people.</p><p>tommy knew full well he’d been joking then, not knowing how much it was affecting him, but he couldn’t help the anger that rose up in his chest when he thought back to it.</p><p>wilbur was still his friend, they’d also spoke less but for no real reason, he refused to tell him as much simply because of how clearly sad it made him to see tommy upset. </p><p>he might’ve been a dickhead, but he wasn’t going to purposely upset someone he cared about.</p><p>so who would he go to when he felt like this normally? well, it’d never been this bad, maybe that was because he’d never felt so alone but i guess we’ll never know. but in the past he’d go to, funnily enough, tubbo.</p><p>tubbo, his best friend, tubbo, the one person who’d stuck by him through whatever the fuck had been going on in his life, both online and offline.</p><p>tubbo, the one person he couldn’t talk to.</p><p>tubbo, the reason for him being terrified that he’d be alone, because if he left, then why would anyone else stay?</p><p>tubbo, the person who didn’t want anything to do with him.</p><p>yeah, it was pretty cruel that sleeping pills were still painful.</p>
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